A place to talk to myself - because no one understands you better than yourself.
Looking back at my posts from 9 - 10 years ago, it is a complete joke. Those are the things that can be ranted in social media easily these days, when I said these days means it is the 2017-2019 period. Those small and yet insignificant challenges that you face previously...well, the present me can handle it with hands tied and eyes blindfolded. And why is this Blogger format a word file interface? I thought aesthetically wise it should be like Wix or Wordpress, I just choose this because I wanted to save the hassles of registering new account and etc..and it is not safe to simply send your data nowadays. Ops, and here is google. Anyway, when the world seems to be completely transparent now due to internet and data mining...my inner world and thoughts are still belongs to me...
I don't really know where to start...there is so many things in my mind now and I can't help myself but started crying in the car on the way back to my home from dinner with my fiancee. And yes, today is our 7 years anniversary for dating, 22/05/2019. We are getting married this coming September 2019, and don't get me wrong, I am looking towards it. The thing with chinese wedding is that, there is a lot of pre-works need to be done - from proposal, parents meeting, restaurant selections, photoshot, inviting friends, renting a luxurious car, findings "bro" and "sis", wines, wedding cards, event details, photograher, videographer and so on. These are not insanely hectic if you followed a consistent schedule. The thing is, if you had short period and your career seems to take off at the same time....
Speaking of my career, which is the pride of many men in this world, this is how we are being programmed. We find the meaning of life better by having an ambition to chase for. It may takes few years or tens of years to achieve what you want, or you never reach the point, but doesn't mean that you do not enjoy it. In a month or two, high chance that I will be promoted to a senior manager role, considering my age, that looks cool and I take pride in it. Therefore before the actual day come, I work my ass off on everything, even though some may seems ridiculous...Only issue? I got no time and energy left to prepare for my wedding. And the time is closing in quickly, speaking about "time flies". With all the checklists piling up and nothing seems getting done on time, i developed anxiety, i think that is anxiety? Because I used to face challenges with open minded and energy...but not this time. I just feel helpless because work is not complete, worthless because I can't handle my wedding preparation, despair because some hiccups in cash flow, impatient because my promotion din't come on time...when all these are not all the problems I faced...I have another complication...
My company had recently appointed a group CEO, as smart as he is in business world, he is also very close to people. Problem arise when he asked for your personal contact and started to text you like a friend. Frankly speaking, as good as it sounds, it is scary. There is a saying in chinese, accompany a king is like accompany a tiger, you lose your life as fast as you benefited from it. What makes matter worse is...your fiancee feels like he is gay, because he is single until now, using sensitive words, and quite emotional at times. Now, speaking about whole new level of complexity. I can understand if your fiancee is jealous on texting with a girl. But, now she is thinking that am I willing to be gay to get to higher position since I am so ambitious. Funny when my logical minds think of it. First of all, we don't know if he is really gay. 2nd, I am not gay and I can't tolerate me being physically, mentally, spiritually intimate with another guy. 3rd, I know my sex orientation. 4th, I know my capability. 5th, there are already plan for promotion in the first place. Last but not least, most importantly, I do love my fiancee deep from the bottom of my heart and soul, I really can't live without her. But when you are being questioned like my fiancee, no matter what answer you gave, it sounds pretentious. That is why I learn one thing today: It is easy to prove that you are insane, and extremely hard to prove that you are actually normal. Let me elaborate a little bit on this, if you try to explain that you are normal, you are actually not normal because normality does not exist, every people is unique. The more you try to explain yourself, the more indifferent that people will find about you to them, thus concluding you are manipulative and cunning, a sign of psychopath. Make sense? Now lets go to trying to tell people you are insane. The moment you say you are crazy, without any sort of example, people already started to label you as crazy. That's how the world works, that is human nature. That's why, it is better not to explain anything unless it is life threatening situations. Until then, just be truthful to yourself and believe that someone else in this world would believe you and love you for who you are. Family is already one.
Honestly...I am starting to lose myself. I don't enjoy any of that anymore. My mood oscillates more than gravitational waves generated by two colliding stars. I get agitated easily, and fast to apologize after that. I just wanted a word from my family or fiancee like "you have done a good job", "if you can't do it, no one can", "get yourself a good rest these few days, I can feel you are stressed and unhappy", "Good things will come soon", " it is just part of the process to a better place"...I am human, I need word of encouragement also. Not something negative like "Why? I already told you"..."Why don't you ask for help", "Why", "why", "why"...the word itself is pressuring, slowly cornering you to deeper state of confusion, and you are even lost and feel more helpless. I can only expect myself to comfort myself...in the way that I can accept...which is letting all out here. At least a note for me to remember in the future, if I have not killed myself at that time. (LOL hope I am just joking). You know, the best feeling in this world is, you go to sleep, wake up, forget all the negativity, pick up your courage, and energize to achieve something for the day. Repeat that everyday. That should be the best way to feel life is worth living for...right? I can't even convince myself now. Depression is real, I am feeling it now, at least some of the symptoms. Overwork, under-delivering, no one understands you, no one gives you the right way of comfort, lack of rest...all these definitely prime contributors to depression. Any human that see this, please remember to take extra care of your surrounding people. Some people don't like to ask for help, they might be killing them self slowly. Please show some concern and love to them. They said depression kills, I just hope that I do not have one, hope that it is just feeling exhausted and need a good rest.
Good night world. Good bye my "exhausted" self. Hope tomorrow you can once be the positive and hopeful guy that enjoy every little things the world has to offer. Remember your loved ones - parents, fiancee, siblings, friends, and life. You had done your best today, this week, this month, this quarter. You can do it better! :)
I don't really know where to start...there is so many things in my mind now and I can't help myself but started crying in the car on the way back to my home from dinner with my fiancee. And yes, today is our 7 years anniversary for dating, 22/05/2019. We are getting married this coming September 2019, and don't get me wrong, I am looking towards it. The thing with chinese wedding is that, there is a lot of pre-works need to be done - from proposal, parents meeting, restaurant selections, photoshot, inviting friends, renting a luxurious car, findings "bro" and "sis", wines, wedding cards, event details, photograher, videographer and so on. These are not insanely hectic if you followed a consistent schedule. The thing is, if you had short period and your career seems to take off at the same time....
Speaking of my career, which is the pride of many men in this world, this is how we are being programmed. We find the meaning of life better by having an ambition to chase for. It may takes few years or tens of years to achieve what you want, or you never reach the point, but doesn't mean that you do not enjoy it. In a month or two, high chance that I will be promoted to a senior manager role, considering my age, that looks cool and I take pride in it. Therefore before the actual day come, I work my ass off on everything, even though some may seems ridiculous...Only issue? I got no time and energy left to prepare for my wedding. And the time is closing in quickly, speaking about "time flies". With all the checklists piling up and nothing seems getting done on time, i developed anxiety, i think that is anxiety? Because I used to face challenges with open minded and energy...but not this time. I just feel helpless because work is not complete, worthless because I can't handle my wedding preparation, despair because some hiccups in cash flow, impatient because my promotion din't come on time...when all these are not all the problems I faced...I have another complication...
My company had recently appointed a group CEO, as smart as he is in business world, he is also very close to people. Problem arise when he asked for your personal contact and started to text you like a friend. Frankly speaking, as good as it sounds, it is scary. There is a saying in chinese, accompany a king is like accompany a tiger, you lose your life as fast as you benefited from it. What makes matter worse is...your fiancee feels like he is gay, because he is single until now, using sensitive words, and quite emotional at times. Now, speaking about whole new level of complexity. I can understand if your fiancee is jealous on texting with a girl. But, now she is thinking that am I willing to be gay to get to higher position since I am so ambitious. Funny when my logical minds think of it. First of all, we don't know if he is really gay. 2nd, I am not gay and I can't tolerate me being physically, mentally, spiritually intimate with another guy. 3rd, I know my sex orientation. 4th, I know my capability. 5th, there are already plan for promotion in the first place. Last but not least, most importantly, I do love my fiancee deep from the bottom of my heart and soul, I really can't live without her. But when you are being questioned like my fiancee, no matter what answer you gave, it sounds pretentious. That is why I learn one thing today: It is easy to prove that you are insane, and extremely hard to prove that you are actually normal. Let me elaborate a little bit on this, if you try to explain that you are normal, you are actually not normal because normality does not exist, every people is unique. The more you try to explain yourself, the more indifferent that people will find about you to them, thus concluding you are manipulative and cunning, a sign of psychopath. Make sense? Now lets go to trying to tell people you are insane. The moment you say you are crazy, without any sort of example, people already started to label you as crazy. That's how the world works, that is human nature. That's why, it is better not to explain anything unless it is life threatening situations. Until then, just be truthful to yourself and believe that someone else in this world would believe you and love you for who you are. Family is already one.
Honestly...I am starting to lose myself. I don't enjoy any of that anymore. My mood oscillates more than gravitational waves generated by two colliding stars. I get agitated easily, and fast to apologize after that. I just wanted a word from my family or fiancee like "you have done a good job", "if you can't do it, no one can", "get yourself a good rest these few days, I can feel you are stressed and unhappy", "Good things will come soon", " it is just part of the process to a better place"...I am human, I need word of encouragement also. Not something negative like "Why? I already told you"..."Why don't you ask for help", "Why", "why", "why"...the word itself is pressuring, slowly cornering you to deeper state of confusion, and you are even lost and feel more helpless. I can only expect myself to comfort myself...in the way that I can accept...which is letting all out here. At least a note for me to remember in the future, if I have not killed myself at that time. (LOL hope I am just joking). You know, the best feeling in this world is, you go to sleep, wake up, forget all the negativity, pick up your courage, and energize to achieve something for the day. Repeat that everyday. That should be the best way to feel life is worth living for...right? I can't even convince myself now. Depression is real, I am feeling it now, at least some of the symptoms. Overwork, under-delivering, no one understands you, no one gives you the right way of comfort, lack of rest...all these definitely prime contributors to depression. Any human that see this, please remember to take extra care of your surrounding people. Some people don't like to ask for help, they might be killing them self slowly. Please show some concern and love to them. They said depression kills, I just hope that I do not have one, hope that it is just feeling exhausted and need a good rest.
Good night world. Good bye my "exhausted" self. Hope tomorrow you can once be the positive and hopeful guy that enjoy every little things the world has to offer. Remember your loved ones - parents, fiancee, siblings, friends, and life. You had done your best today, this week, this month, this quarter. You can do it better! :)
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